blessed is an understatement :)

     I've always tried to keep myself from thinking too much about the past because it usually wrecks me emotionally and mentally. Over the years I learned to forget by tricking myself into thinking it didn't happen, that it wasn't really that awful. Once I accepted Christ, I convinced myself that I was healed, that I was OK. It kinda worked for awhile, but something triggered me last month. A flood of painful memories came rushing back and I couldn't explain it. This wasn't the lowest I've ever felt, by far. However, I was so confused as to why it still hurt so much. I realized that what I once thought was completely healed and done with, was never really put away. I felt, quite honestly, stupid for crying over something that happened when I was 4 years old. But God, being so faithful and loving, has given me a reason to rejoice. 

     In those moments when I dwelled on the painful parts of the past, I prayed that God would take those wounds and bind them up. AND HE DID. Not only that, He reminded me that even in the tough times, He was with me. He never gave up on me. By looking at the past through the lens of His love and mercy, I've come to see the good that has emerged in my character. Where once I would've reacted harshly towards someone, I am now gentle. Where once I would've been frustrated or sad, I am now calm and patient. In the past I would've been paralyzed by fear in certain situations, but now I feel empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have the strength, through God, to live for His purpose. 

     I know that this is a part of my testimony that is still in process. I still have those painful memories, but they don't have control over me the way they had years ago and that gives me hope. Transformation isn't just in action, but in thought and for that, I am so thankful. I am no longer consumed by fear or regret. I can feel His presence each day. My thoughts are not my own anymore. I'm not only blessed in terms of material wealth, but in spiritual wealth. I think this rocked me so much because I never really thought that I was worth that effort for Him. Why would He choose me? Who am I in the grand scheme of things?  Now I know. 

I'm a sinner who became a saint in the eyes of God.

Praise Him. 

I remember my afflictions and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:19-24